Saturday, February 11, 2006

You might be a an Authentic Mid-Twentieth Century Southern Baptist Relic If . . .

You are very sure that the so-called “wine” in the Bible was unfermented grape juice. (It was unfermented, wasn’t it?)

You call dancing “creative movement” or call a dance a “function.”

You think those Northern Baptists (American Baptists) are a bunch of liberals.

Your parents or your grandparents used to be Methodist.

You have to stand behind a wooden lectern to teach a class, any class.

You’ve ever made a pilgrimage to Glorieta or Ridgecrest–or you at least know where those places are.

Your pastor attended Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary at some time in his academic career.

Your pastor doesn’t wear a robe, but the choir does wear robes and people who are getting baptized wear white robes.

Someone in your church says “amen” a couple of times during the sermon when the preacher makes a good point, but no one ever shouts.

You don’t raise your hands to praise God during the music, but you tolerate those who do.

You call any kind of Bible study on Sunday night “Training Union” or (older still) “BYPU.”

You call the pastor and the music director “Brother,” as in Brother Dunn or Brother Bob; you call the youth minister by his first name only, as in Joe or Steve, and you don’t call anyone “Sister.”

You attend an adult Sunday School class.

You’ve ever been involved in a discussion about what color carpet to buy for the church auditorium, and you call it an auditorium, not a sanctuary.

The deacons think they run the church, but the WMU (Women’s Missionary Union) really decides all the important stuff, such as what color the carpet in the suditorium will be.

You have at least one specialty dessert recipe that you can make and transport to church socials and be sure of getting at least five requests for the recipe.

You received an assortment of casserole dishes as wedding presents.

Your church has a fellowship (fellowship=food) hall where the church socials are held.

You’ve ever sung all five verses of Just As I Am ten times through during the invitation.

You expect to go to prayer meeting on Wednesday night and spend five minutes in prayer preceded by at least thirty minutes of prayer requests, which are really a discussion of all the ailments and medical conditions of all the people in the church.

You attended at least one Vacation Bible School in which the children lined up outside at the beginning and marched in behind the US flag, the Christian flag, and the big Holy Bible.

You know the words to the pledge to the Christian flag and the pledge to the Bible.
You’ve ever participated in Bible drill or a Sword Drill.

You know all the words to Love Lifted Me and There’s Within My Heart a Melody and At Calvary. among other hymns.

You associate foreign missions with Christmas and missions in the USA with Easter, and you know that January is the month for January Bible Study.

You’re fairly sure that Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong have a more secure place in heaven than any of those Catholic saints.

You think Presbyterians are way too intellectual, Charismatics are too emotional, and Catholics trust in ritual. But the Baptist “porridge” is Just Right.

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