"But if you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means. Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all discuss the man himself. When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment. Those persons indeed put last first and confound their duties, who . . . judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him their friend after they have judged him. Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself. . . . (Seneca, Letter 3 "On True and False Friendship")
When reading this instruction on true and false friendship, one remembers the time when three friends came alongside a man who had lost everything: his children, his wealth, everything. By the time they arrived to comfort him, he had broken out in horrendous boils and was quite sick. As one considers the story, one wonders how or why they were called "friends" at all because they were very good at being very bad friends.
The first "friend" blamed the sufferer for personal moral failure as the cause of calamity and suggested that he was being disciplined. Furthermore, had he been a moral man his children would still be alive. When the sufferer began to explain his situation, he was accused of justifying himself and was told to just "get right with God."
The second "friend" chimed in admonishing the sufferer for harboring secrets that brought on the disasters. He used fear to try to manipulate the injured man, even called him names.
The third "friend" showed no mercy or empathy. When the wounded man tried to open his heart, revealing his doubts and fears, he was received with impatient probing questions that hurt his already sensitive heart, accusing him of lying. He gave no hope.
Why or how these man were considered "friends" is a puzzle, for the man ignored their so-called advice. We don't know what happened to those so-called "friends" but we do know that the man gave in to understand that a greater purpose was at work. Ultimately, he was restored with four times the wealth he once had and more children besides!
Is this a myth? An apocryphal story? If it is (or was) then why do the same kinds of so-called "friendships" continue to manifest themselves? I know of someone who had this experience with so-called "friends" just in the last couple of weeks! If a Roman Senator felt the need to write his friend with instructions on friendship, then he too saw the need to discern.
Who are those admitted to your friendship?
What kind of friend are you?
