Enchiridion 16: Stop Distressing Yourself

"When you see anyone weeping in grief because his son has gone abroad, or is dead, or because he has suffered in his affairs, be careful that the appearance may not misdirect you. Instead, distinguish within your own mind, and be prepared to say, 'It's not the accident that distresses this person, because it doesn't distress another person; it is the judgment which he makes about it.' As far as words go, however, don't reduce yourself to his level, and certainly do not moan with him. Do not moan inwardly either." (Epictetus, Enchiridion 16)

Think of this as a case study: someone you know is in some kind of distress. What do you do? What should you say? Stoic philosophy provides a lens through which one may view and choose as it is not external matters that negatively affect you, but the judgment about those matters.

So what steps do we take when facing an external event? What is the source of harm or negative effect on you?

First (in this case) recognize that your grieving friend is external, out of your control. What he or she experiences is the product of their own judgement. At this point, all you are doing is reconnaissance, observing without passing judgment of your own. Your friend is grieving--that's it. " . . . be prepared to say, 'It's not the accident that distresses this person, because it doesn't distress another person; it is the judgment which he makes about it.'"

Second, (in this case) what does remain in your control is the judgment you are now free to make. Must you make one? No. But you've observed is that grief is not universal but a unique and personal experience. So should it concern you? Only if you let it.

Third, are you able to see how your judgment will culminate? In other words, what do you get out of participating with your friend? Well, if there is grief, you break your tranquility and give your control over to someone else. Do you want to sympathize or are you able to maintain your tranquility and your friendship with empathy?

Don't moan as your friend because your friend is leaning on you for support. Instead, contribute to your friend by understanding that he or she might be feeling a certain way. Maintain your composure, the only thing you are able to control.